INT. OBS ROOM 7 - IN SPACE, I GUESS With a sharp puff of air the pair ofpressure doors open, offering Rimmer a glimpse into one of Red Dwarf's observation rooms. A prominence of a thirty-meter sphere, comprised wholly of transparent steel, envelops the entryway and offers a near-unobstructed view of the infinite void of space. Ten meters ahead, on a gangway extending to the very middle of the glass bubble, Rimmer is shocked at the sight of the shapely rear view of Doctor Nirvana Crane. She stands in silence with her hand resting on an unpowered cartography console, as if she's steadying herself against being lost to the unyielding black. After a beat, Rimmer realizes that he's been staring at her for an inappropiate amount of time. He awkwardly breaks his gaze, then shuffles his feet to make a quick exit. As if on cue, Doctor Crane turns to face him as he's in the middle of a seven-point turnaround. She calls out to him. NIRVANA ...Mister Rimmer? Rimmer's eyes go wide. His face shows the pain of his brain searching for something - anything! - to say... RIMMER I didn't... Ah. Doctor Crane. I'm sorry, I didn't just see you here just now. I'm going now, toodles. He winces, as if his soul sat on a tack. She smiles politely. NIRVANA You don't have to go... come on, join me. There's more than enough view for both of us to take in. And call me Nirvana. Rimmer nervously nods in agreement as the upper half of his body begins a stride towards her, yet his feet seem oddly out of pace as he makes his way down the plank. RIMMER I... I didn't know that there was a holo-emmiter in here. NIRVANA There wasn't, until this morning! One of the skutters was sweet enough to have installed it when I said I liked looking at the stars. RIMMER Ah yes... that must have been Bob. He's pretty much a combination wrench set on wheels, but he... he can be pretty alright sometimes, I guess. Rimmer finally makes his way to the end of the gangway. He stands beside Nirvana, at a distance that only barely evidences discomfort. He looks out beyond the dome, trying to put his hand in his pockets. He stops when he realizes he doesn't have any. After a brief pause... NIRVANA So did I happen upon your secret hiding spot by coming here, Mister Rimmer? RIMMER What? Oh no, no... it's not like I come here all the time. Only when Lister gets on my nerves. (beat) And the Cat. (another beat) And Kryten, and Holly- actually, yeah. I guess I DO come here all the time. And, ah, call me Arnold... if you like. Nirvana lets out a polite laugh, which compliments her polite smile nicely. NIRVANA This is magical, standing out among the stars. I'd almost forgotten how beautiful it all is when you see it like this. RIMMER It's not nearly as magical as zipping around through through them all on a faster-than-light beam. Now THAT's incredible. NIRVANA Oh, don't get me wrong... I love life aboard the Enlightenment. The crew is wonderful, and the work we do makes me proud. It's just... A pause, as she looks out into the eternal night. NIRVANA (CONT'D) Those twinkling pinpionts out there? And how we're perceiving it right now? It's the one thing that's lacking on my ship. This... perspective. RIMMER It's alright, I guess... if you like nothing. I mean, the view here is the same from the view from my quarters. When it comes down to it. It's a whole lot of nothing. And even as we speak, we're travelling through a whole lot of nothing. Rimmer pauses, as he searches for his best faux-philosophical concept while making the fatal mistake of looking into Nirvana's eyes. RIMMER (CONT'D) It's just a giant... amalgamation of... A pause, as Rimmer's train of thought derails spectacularly. Nirvana smiles planitively, helping to pick up the slack. NIRVANA ...Nothing? She laughs, amused. RIMMER (slightly deflated) Well... yeah. Nothing. His eyes dart away fom hers. They both stare at the stars for a moment. Rimmer breaks the silence: RIMMER I'm sorry. I'm not really good at small talk. Another quick gaze between them. Another polite smile. Another quick look away. Another pause. RIMMER ...So you're a girl, then? That's gotta be different. Nirvana gives him a wry, yet playful, look. The corner of her mouth turns up into a sharp half-smile. NIRVANA ...Really? RIMMER SORRY! I'm sorry! I'm not good with taking to women. I've had trouble with it... (beat) all my life... The pause now is unusually heavy. Rimmer's expression is that of a man suddenly drowning in some nagging sorrow. RIMMER Heh... life hasn't really changed for me. After dying, I mean. You'd think that being dead couple of years would've helped someone get some major changes rolling in life, yeah? Such as it is... what did the front of the pamphlet say that they gave recently deceased holograms? 'Today is the First Day of the Rest of Your Death?' That's some smeg if I ever heard it. Rimmer looks away from the view, to meet Nirvana's eyes. Expecting to find something negative, he's shocked to see a face displaying care and sympathy. NIRVANA We've all went though that very same thing, you know. All of us aboard the Enlightenment? We're all holograms too. RIMMER But you all have the benefit of being absorbed into your phenomonal ultra-sciencey stuff and your incredible mega-computery business. Like your trick with the bolt yesterday... And all of you were genuises even BEFORE you kicked it, boldly carrying on with your work, parallel to your own legacies! It's so different for me, it's night and day. He pauses, searching for something wonderful to say, but failing. RIMMER (CONT'D) (bitterly) Did you know what I did on this ship? NIRVANA Your personnel profile said you were a Second Technician. RIMMER That's right - I was given the awesome responsibility of cleaning the gunk out of the dirty soup dispensers on Z-Shift and turning in my gunk-cleaning logs first thing in the morning to First Technician Cameron 'Knobby' McLaughlan - a man whose crowning achievement in life was nailing Fourth Place in the Tethys Primary School Fourth Grade Spelling Bee. NIRVANA Arnold... RIMMER (bitterly) I've had a while to think about it, and sometimes I think death WOULD have been a better alternative from knocking about utterly deep space in this smegging ship. And as a hologram, God... it's so much worse. On your ship, you can interact with things, you can touch. You can *FEEL*... but me? I'm a ghost in these corridors. Nirvana lets an uncomfortable beat rest between them. Rimmer's gaze is firmly at the stars, as if he's desperately finding a home out there. RIMMER I was a nobody in life. I died a nobody. And now, that I'm back? I'm a nobody all over again. Nirvana looks sympathetically at Rimmer, who by now is hopelessly wallowing in his self-pity. Her eyes give away a look of kind concern, but she wisely hesistates in continuing the current line of discussion. After a moment, she changes course. NIRVANA Arnold, if I may ask... how did you die? Rimmer ceases his morose dispoisition to give her a quizzical look. His lips purse into a thin line before answering. RIMMER It's embarassing. I don't like mentioning it. NIRVANA Hey, every hologram's got a fantastic death story. I'll tell you mine first, if you want. RIMMER (intruigued) Well, go on then... NIRVANA Alright, it was on one of the moons of Kalindra III. Wait... was humanity out of the solar system when your crew was wiped out? RIMMER No. NIRVANA Ah... I was on a moon in a star system around 11 light years from Earth, on a research outpost. It was nice, pretty cozy... up until the life support system failed in our dome. RIMMER Jesus... NIRVANA Oh, as far as deaths go, I can't really complain. A little panic when the warning siren hit, then the all the air got blown out and, all of a sudden, I'm waking up in a holosuite. I didn't feel any different. RIMMER breaks a smile as he nods in agreement. RIMMER I went through the same thing! The techs always said that being a computer simulation makes you completely different from the person you're based on, but really... I'm still ME, you know? It's not like I don't have to deal with the same old crap every day. NIRVANA Well, there are SOME tiny changes, aren't there? RIMMER Totally. Like not having to worry about your wardrobe. NIRVANA I've always liked the all the time gained from not having to use the bathroom, myself... RIMMER And of course the BIG one. NIRVANA ...The BIG one? Rimmer grins, as he points down. RIMMER You know. The thing. NIRVANA Oh yeah - the thing with the- RIMMER AND NIRVANA TOGETHER -BELLY BUTTON! They both share a hearty laugh. Rimmer is nearly in tears. NIRVANA Oh my God, yes... Yes! I had to ask about that one, too! RIMMER There's NO way I could explain that to Lister, hah. Living people just couldn't understand... NIRVANA I do. I do now, at least. (beat) About you. RIMMER What do you mean? NIRVANA Like you said, all of us on the Enlightenment... we've moved beyond what we once considered 'normal' lives. What we see and do on the ship, what Captain Platini is doing to Red Dwarf right now... it's the result of decisions so far removed from the choices we had to make, way back when. But you... when you were revived, you had no choice but to stay where you were. RIMMER Yeah... dead, but I'm still in the life I left behind. The distance between the two seemingly melts away as their eyes meet intensely. A longing appears in both of their eyes, brief and intense... but fleeting as they realize it and look away. They gaze at the stars for a moment. This time, Nirvana breaks the silence: NIRVANA Speaking of which... you still have something to share with me... RIMMER Do I?- oh God... NIRVANA Out with it! How did you die? You're too young for a medical condition, and you're not on the casualty list that Holly made, so how you died HAS to be SOMEWHAT interesting... RIMMER (annoyed) Okay, okay! I took a lethal blast of radiation to the face. Point blank. Nirvana's smile and playfulness ceaces immediately. She is stunned. NIRVANA ...Wow. I did NOT see that coming. RIMMER And that's what I WOULD HAVE said, rest assured, had I not bit the big one by being at the epicenter of a blast of Cadmium-II radiation! Nirvana stifles a chuckle, the absurdity of the scenario getting to her. NIRVANA Still, that doesn't sound too embarassing... RIMMER It is when YOU'RE the one who caused the blast in the first place! NIRVANA (a quick laugh) Oh, wow... how? RIMMER I was part of a damage control team in the Engineering deck. I sealed one of the reactor's drive plates, the ship punched the jump-drive... and BOOM! The plate comes flying off and then suddenly, everyone's dead. (beat) Except for Lister, of course, who had the luck of getting lost in a Stasis storage unit. (beat) Which was ALSO my fault. The smegger. Nirvana can't help it anymore. She bends over, bellowing with laughter. She takes a step over and leans on Rimmer as she laughs, quite tickled by his story. RIMMER ...What? What? NIRVANA (in between fits of laughter) I'm sorry, I'm sorry... I can't... That's incredible. Nirvana takes a moment to compose herself before continuing, getting the simultaneously sad and hilarious image of Rimmer at ground zero of a neutron blast out of her head. She clears her throat. NIRVANA (CONT'D) I understand that was a tragic event and it must have been very traumatic at the time, but- She bursts into laughter once again. NIRVANA (CONT'D) The picture of you... with a face full of radiation... RIMMER It may as well have been egg on my face, for how I felt! My God, I was so gripped with terror that the only word I could get out was 'Mother!'... but I didn't even have time for that! I just said 'Muh-!' Rimmer lets out a sharp sigh, dejected. Nirvana, cracking throughout Rimmer's musing, finally pulls herself together. As Rimmer helps her up, their hands meet. NIRVANA (snickering, then earnest)) I'm sorry, it's tragic... but it's very brave. Really, it is. All of that happening and yet here you are, right now. When it comes down to it, it's brave. RIMMER I don't know about that. Fortunate? Maybe. Holly's sick joke? Definitely. But bravery? I've never been called that before. NIRVANA It is, though. And do you know what? RIMMER What? NIRVANA That life you said you had to leave behind... you'll get it back. I know you will, Arnold. The two share a quiet, poignant moment amomgst the distant pinpricks of brilliance and all-encompassing dark. A seed of passion is shared between them, stoked as their lips draw closer, then closer still- -as Kryten suddenly chirps in through the ship's intercom. KRYTEN (VO) Mister Rimmer? Mister Rimmer, can you hear me? Rimmer and Nirvana break off. Rimmer has many expressions on his face, but the one that reads the most cleanly is annoyance. He calls out: RIMMER Yes Kryten - I'm here, you soddy grime-droid. KRYTEN (VO) Mister Rimmer! Are you alone? Rimmer looks over at Nirvana. RIMMER Ah, no... I'm in Observation Room Seven. With *someone*. KRYTEN (VO) Sir, though I appreciate your telling me an open-faced lie to spare me the unsettling mental image of the reality of you most likely pleasuring yourself in your quarters, I'm currently using a communications frequency that the Enlightment crew has yet to discover. Yourself, Mister Lister, Mister Cat, and myself need to meet and discuss a matter with the most immediate of urgencies! Rimmer's eyes are wide in equal parts embarassment, terror, and rage. RIMMER Ah... where are we rendezvousing? KRYTEN (VO) I've talked to Mister Lister already, and he's decided Parrot's would be the best place. RIMMER What, the bar on the C Deck? KRYTEN (VO) The OPEN bar on C Deck, according to Mister Lister. Please come immediately! Kryten out. The intercom cuts, leaving Rimmer and Nirvana alone again. They share a tense pause and weary look at each other. NIRVANA ...I won't tell anyone. Go! RIMMER Right. I'm sorry. I'll see you again. And thank you. NIRVANA You're welcome. Go! Rimmer shoots her an earnest smile as he runs down the gangway. As the doors close, Nirvana wrings her hands, a profundly worried expression on her face.